Words Are Hard

How Language Shapes Our Emotions

Words are hard, or did I mean harsh? It’s difficult to choose the right words sometimes. But even when we think we chose the right ones, we may be making a big mistake.

Imagine waking up in the morning with your heart pounding, your stomach in knots, and your mouth dry. For many of us, this experience might immediately trigger a flood of anxious thoughts. “What’s wrong?” you might wonder, “Why am I feeling this way? What did I forget? What terrible thing is about to happen?” The day begins in a spiral of dread, setting a tone that can be difficult to shake.

But what if, instead of interpreting these sensations as signs of anxiety, you considered that perhaps your body is preparing for something exciting? What if you thought, “I’m excited—something good must be on the horizon”? After all, physiologically, excitement and anxiety are incredibly similar. Both involve heightened central nervous system activation—the same rapid heartbeat, the same tense muscles, and the same dry mouth. The key difference between the two experiences isn’t what’s happening inside your body but how you choose to describe what’s happening. The words you use, quite literally, define your emotional experience.

In this article, we’ll explore how the language you use to describe your experiences has a profound impact on your emotions. We’ll also dive into why this matters so much and offer practical tips for shifting your language to help you feel better, even in challenging situations.

Words Define Our Reality

Language is more than just a tool for communication. It’s the lens through which we interpret the world. The words we choose to describe events, circumstances, and even our internal feelings shape our beliefs and emotional experiences. This concept is sometimes referred to as linguistic relativity, which suggests that the structure of language affects the way its speakers perceive and think about the world.

The idea that “words are hard” comes from the fact that finding the right words to describe complex emotions and experiences can be challenging. But getting those words right is crucial because they define the meaning we attach to situations.

Consider this simple example: Let’s say it’s raining outside. You might describe it as “terrible weather” or “a cozy rainy day.” The first description frames the rain as a negative experience, likely making you feel frustrated, inconvenienced, or even upset. The second description, however, might make you feel calm, content, or even grateful for an excuse to stay inside and relax. The rain didn’t change, but the way you described it did, and with that shift came a different emotional experience.

The same applies to more personal and emotional experiences. How you describe a difficult conversation, a career setback, or a period of uncertainty can either exacerbate negative emotions or create space for optimism and resilience.

The Power of Attribution

One of the most significant ways that language shapes our emotions is through attribution. This refers to how we explain the cause of something, and it’s a powerful tool that can either heighten or reduce emotional distress. For example, waking up with those physical symptoms of central nervous system activation (heart racing, dry mouth, etc.) can be attributed to either anxiety or excitement.

If you attribute those feelings to anxiety, you’re more likely to search for a threat or a problem. Your brain, following your lead, will start hunting for something that could explain the anxiety. And since we tend to find what we’re looking for, you’ll likely discover something—real or imagined—that justifies your anxious feelings.

On the other hand, if you attribute those same physical sensations to excitement, your brain will search for something positive that could explain your body’s response. Perhaps you’re subconsciously anticipating a good day at work, an upcoming event, or some other reason for excitement. Again, you’re likely to find what you’re looking for.

The shift in attribution—from anxiety to excitement—completely changes the emotional experience. This isn’t to say that anxiety isn’t real or that it’s always easy to reframe negative emotions. But recognizing that how you describe your experience determines your emotional state is an empowering first step toward feeling better.

The Self-Fulfilling Prophecy: Finding What You Seek

One of the reasons this shift in language is so powerful is due to a psychological phenomenon known as the self-fulfilling prophecy. In simple terms, a self-fulfilling prophecy occurs when an individual’s beliefs or expectations influence their behavior in a way that causes those beliefs to come true.

For example, if you wake up believing that something bad is going to happen, you may unconsciously behave in ways that increase the likelihood of encountering problems. You might be more irritable with others, less focused, or more pessimistic. On the other hand, if you wake up believing that something good is coming, your behavior might reflect that belief. You may approach challenges with more optimism, interact more positively with others, and notice more opportunities for success.

Your beliefs influence your behavior, and your behavior often creates the reality you expect. The words you use to define your experiences can therefore set off a chain reaction that shapes not only your emotions but your outcomes as well.

Changing the Narrative: How to Shift Your Language and Feel Better

So, if words shape our reality, how can we use that knowledge to feel better, especially in difficult situations? Here are some practical strategies to help you shift your language and, by extension, your emotional experience.

1. Practice Mindful Reframing

Reframing involves consciously changing the way you describe a situation to yourself. The next time you find yourself in a negative emotional state, pause and consider how you’re describing the experience. Are you using words like “disaster,” “failure,” or “overwhelming”? These types of words reinforce the negative emotions you’re feeling.

Instead, try to find neutral or even positive ways to describe the same situation. If you’re feeling anxious, for example, could you describe it as “anticipation”? If you’re feeling overwhelmed, could you describe it as “challenged”? The goal is not to ignore or invalidate difficult emotions but to soften the language you use, which in turn softens the emotional impact.

2. Pay Attention to Absolutes

When we’re upset or stressed, we often fall into the trap of using absolutes like “always” and “never.” Phrases like “I always mess things up” or “This never works out” are overly harsh and rarely true. They exaggerate the situation and intensify negative emotions.

The next time you catch yourself using an absolute, challenge it. Is it really true that you always mess things up? Or is this one instance where things didn’t go as planned? Is it really true that things never work out? Or have there been times when things went well? Shifting from absolutes to more balanced language can reduce the intensity of negative emotions.

3. Use Empowering Language

The words we use to describe ourselves have a significant impact on our self-esteem and overall emotional state. Words like “can’t,” “stupid,” or “failure” are disempowering and reinforce feelings of inadequacy. In contrast, words like “learning,” “growing,” and “resilient” are empowering and help cultivate a sense of agency and confidence.

For example, instead of saying, “I can’t do this,” try saying, “I’m still learning how to do this.” Instead of thinking, “I failed,” try thinking, “I’m growing from this experience.” These subtle shifts in language can make a big difference in how you feel about yourself and your abilities.

4. Narrate Your Experience Like a Friend

Imagine if a close friend came to you with a problem. How would you describe their situation? Would you use harsh, critical language, or would you be compassionate and understanding? Chances are, you’d choose words that offer support and validation. So why not do the same for yourself?

The next time you’re feeling down, try narrating your experience as if you were talking to a friend. Use kind, supportive language to describe what’s happening. This not only changes how you feel about the situation but also fosters self-compassion, which is essential for emotional well-being.

5. Focus on What’s Within Your Control

When we’re faced with challenges, it’s easy to focus on the things we can’t control. This often leads to feelings of helplessness and frustration. To counteract this, try shifting your language to focus on what you can control.

For example, instead of saying, “This situation is out of my hands,” try saying, “Here’s what I can do about this situation.” Instead of thinking, “There’s nothing I can do,” try thinking, “I can control how I respond.” By focusing on what’s within your control, you empower yourself to take action and reduce feelings of helplessness.

Why Words Matter for Mental Health

The way you talk to yourself matters. Studies have shown that the words we use to describe our experiences can directly impact our mental health. Negative self-talk has been linked to increased levels of stress, anxiety, and depression. Conversely, positive self-talk and compassionate language have been shown to improve mood, increase resilience, and promote emotional well-being.

By becoming more mindful of the words you use to describe your experiences, you can take an active role in shaping your emotional landscape. You don’t have to passively accept feelings of anxiety, frustration, or hopelessness. Instead, you can use language as a tool to help yourself feel better and navigate life’s challenges with more grace and ease.

Conclusion: You Deserve to Feel Better

The words you use to describe the things that happen in your life will define those things. The definitions you give them attach to your beliefs and determine how you feel about them. Whether you’re waking up with a racing heart, facing a challenging situation at work, or simply going through a tough day, remember that you have the power to choose your words—and with that choice comes the power to shape your emotions.

You deserve to feel better, and one of the most accessible tools you have to accomplish that is your language. It may seem simple, but the words you use can unlock an entirely different emotional experience. Whether you frame your challenges as overwhelming obstacles or as opportunities for growth, the choice is yours, and that choice will set the tone for how you feel and how you navigate your circumstances.

By practicing mindful reframing, avoiding absolutes, using empowering language, narrating your experiences with kindness, and focusing on what you can control, you can take charge of your emotional experience in profound ways. The changes may not be immediate or effortless, but with practice, they will become more natural. Over time, you’ll likely find that your resilience, optimism, and overall mental health will improve simply by changing the way you describe your life.

A Final Thought

In a world filled with uncertainty and constant challenges, it’s easy to feel like you’re at the mercy of external events. But your words give you back some of that control. Remember, it’s not always the situation itself that defines your experience, but how you choose to describe it. The next time you catch yourself spiraling into negativity, pause and ask yourself: What other words could I use to describe this? How might those words change the way I feel? How might they open up new possibilities for action, growth, or even joy?

Ultimately, words are hard—but they’re also incredibly powerful. And with a little practice, you can start using them to create the life and the emotions that you want and deserve. So, as you move through your days, pay attention to the stories you’re telling yourself. Choose your words carefully because they have the power to transform not just how you think, but how you live.

You Have the Power

To sum it up, here’s the truth: You have more control over your emotional experience than you might realize. The words you use, whether internally in your thoughts or externally in your conversations, define your world. By choosing words that align with your values, your goals, and your well-being, you’re actively creating a narrative that supports you rather than holds you back.

Whether you’re waking up with a racing heart, facing a difficult conversation, or feeling uncertain about the future, remember that you hold the pen. You’re the narrator of your life, and your words are the story you’re telling. Make sure they’re words that support the kind of life and emotional experience you truly want. Because, in the end, you deserve to feel empowered, resilient, and excited—not just about what happens, but about the meaning you choose to give it.

Words are hard, but with practice, they can also be your greatest tool for emotional transformation.