Can an Anxious-Avoidant Relationship Work?

Communicate Without Triggering Your Partner

Are you in an Anxious-Avoidant Relationship? If so, there are things you can do to make it work. Keep reading, this is going to be an eye opener for most readers. First things first, it is important to know all of the attachment styles.

Attachment Styles

Anxious (Velcro Lovers)

Craves connection like a Wi-Fi signal and will go to great lengths to keep the relationship strong. When they sense trouble, they latch on tighter than a toddler with their favorite blanket, trying to keep everything together.

Avoidant (Solo Wanderers)

Views intimacy with the same enthusiasm as a cat being dragged into a bath. When they feel their independence is threatened, they’ll ghost faster than an internet browser history.

Disorganized (Chaos Enthusiasts)

Wants love and fears it simultaneously, like someone who both craves and dreads spicy food. When stressed, they’re like a TV with bad reception, sending mixed signals and sometimes just shutting down altogether.

Secure (Zen Masters)

Balances relationships and personal space with the finesse of a professional juggler. They enjoy close connections but also value their “me-time,” staying cool and collected without the constant fear of being left or controlled.

Knowing Your Partner

Knowing your partner’s attachment style is like having a cheat code for better communication. It helps you navigate conversations and avoid verbal landmines that could turn a simple discussion into a full-blown argument. The challenge lies in recognizing when you’re about to trigger each other and how to steer clear of those pitfalls.

When communications turn into arguments, it’s easy to hit each other’s raw nerves. This often leads to what emotionally focused therapy (EFT) pioneer Sue Johnson calls “Demon Dialogues.” These are conversations where misunderstandings create a chasm between the head and heart, spiraling the relationship downward. To avoid these, you must connect with your heart first; the head will naturally follow.

So, how can you better communicate? Start by recognizing your partner’s verbal triggers and actively avoiding them. It’s a game of strategy, not just sentiment, especially for those in an anxious-avoidant relationship.

How to Treat Avoidant Partners

Taking an inventory of what statements and actions trigger you or your partner the most can be a good starting point. I polled 200 members of my online community to find out how individuals struggling with insecure attachment experience feeling triggered. The findings were clear: people need to feel safe in love, and depending on their attachment style, certain phrases can be particularly annoying.

Let’s break it down by attachment type.

How to Treat Solo Wanderers

For avoidant Solo Wanderers, they might feel triggered by phrases like:

• “I know you better than you know yourself.”
• “You wouldn’t say/need/do that if you really loved me.”
• “Nothing is wrong, I’m fine.”
• “If I have to ask, then it doesn’t count.”
• “Keeping [insert anything] private means you’re lying/cheating on me.”
• “If you can’t figure that out, then you don’t know me at all.”

Remember, Solo Wanderers want more space because it helps them preserve their connections. Help them feel the reassurances they are looking for with these tips:

• Say: “We’ve talked about this. You’ve told me the ways that being in a relationship can be difficult for you. I understand that this is not about me. Do what you need to do. I’ll be here.”
• Ask if they could express themselves and their needs more clearly, while staying in a loving mindset.
• Help them feel reassured that the relationship matters and is worth the effort.
• Find common ground around whatever issue or situation is at hand.
• Show respect and acknowledge their behavior.
• Understand that they feel rejected or unloved in some way.
• Show consistency by following up with them, but don’t chase them because too many messages can keep them frozen.
• Be there for them in a more gentle and balanced way. Even if they need space, tell them you’re not going anywhere.
• Prove you don’t want to change or control them by pointing out specific things that you love about them.

How to Treat Chaos Enthusiasts

The other avoidant type, Chaos Enthusiasts, can also feel annoyed by any or all of the above. The difference is that they also express frustration around statements that hint at taking away their control or questioning it.

They might also detest statements that are intentionally ambiguous, because they can leave them questioning their own intuition and reality. (That said, they might utter those statements themselves).

Chaos Enthusiasts might feel triggered when told phrases like:

• “You’re way too intense. You’ve lost control of yourself.”
• “You have no idea what you’re talking about. I know what’s going on here.”
• “You’ll just mess it up. Let me do it for you.”
• “You love me. You just don’t know it yet.”
• “Maybe one day we’ll be together for real. Right now, I just don’t know.”
• “You’re so amazing, but I don’t think you’ll ever be satisfied.”
• “You haven’t given us a real chance. You’re just responding to your past trauma.”
• “I love you, but I could never truly be with you.”

Reassuring Chaos Enthusiasts can be very difficult. Their attachment style is literally defined by an inability to self-soothe and an inability to receive soothing from others. This is often the result of trauma, which we will discuss more in a moment.

How to Decrease Avoidant Attachment

People can change their attachment styles over time. That can mean a decrease in attachment avoidance. One experiment studied couples who participated in a series of brief activities. Those that performed activities designed to increase closeness and intimacy showed a decrease in avoidant attachment. Those same people rated their relationships as higher quality than before the experiment.

To benefit from this, connect with your avoidant partner through activities that appear to be long-lasting. For example, take turns answering intimate and thoughtful questions with your avoidant partner. Simply open up a bit and encourage them to do the same.

Unfortunately, this study did not have the same positive effect on anxious individuals. So how do you treat an anxious partner? That’s next.

How to Treat a Velcro Lover

For anxious Velcro Lovers, they might be triggered or rattled when a partner says things like:

• “Love is not enough, but I still love you.”
• “I am sorry you feel that way.”
• “I don’t know what you’re so upset about. It’s not that big of a deal.”
• “I need some time alone to think about it.”
• “I don’t know why I feel that way. The chemistry just must be off.”
• Silence

Here are some reassurances that anxious types are looking for:

• “It’s alright. We’ll get through this.”
• Pull them close into a hug and tell them it will be okay.
• Use a calming voice and listen to them, showing you’re not scared of their feelings.
• Reaffirm that what they say and think is important to you.
• When they cry, just let them. Maybe hold them while they do it.

That’s how you communicate with both avoidant and anxious partners. But how do you finally end the anxious-avoidant dance? That’s next.

Ending the Anxious-Avoidant Relationship Dance

Ready to end the anxious-avoidant cycle?

Here’s the thing: You need to start by paying attention to how YOU show up. Sure, it all doesn’t come down to you. Your partner also has to want to change.

You can start by setting clear boundaries. This will help you find a way out from all the mixed signals in insecure relationships.

How? Here are four ways to establish boundaries and successfully stop the dance to fix your anxious-avoidant relationship.

1. Figure Out What You Want

If that’s too hard at first, figure out what you don’t want and look at the opposite.

Ask yourself:

• What doesn’t feel good to you in your relationship?
• What feelings or behaviors do you wish would replace that condition?

Don’t just think about it. Write it down. Draw it out. Make these thoughts real in some way. Already, you have started to establish boundaries.

2. Be the Braver Partner

Want to know where the relationship is going? Decide where YOU want it to go first. Want to know what someone is feeling? Decide how YOU are feeling and create space for the other person’s feelings without judgment.

In short, be the change you want to see. Your partner will either fall in line or they will fall away. If that happens, the best thing you can do is let them go. It’s a hard truth, but it is in alignment with your highest good. More on that later.

3. Stop Operating from a Place of “Perceived Potential”

So often, we hold onto things (people, places, jobs, ideas, identities) that no longer serve us because we think there is “so much potential” in them. Of course there is, but you can’t chase a fantasy.

It’s easy to focus on the idea of a happy ending, but you’re constructing your own reality. The problem is that you cannot control your partner’s reality. Therein lies the seeds of both your discontent. It’s a paradox of the potential of love and unconditional love.

Instead think, how effectively has that potential been realized?

4. Stop Avoiding Your Own Problems by Trying to Solve Someone Else’s

This goes for individuals with all insecure attachment styles. We tend to project our own inner conflict outwards onto the people closest to us. Why? It is easier than confronting it within ourselves.

For example, Velcro Lovers will ask countless friends to help them interpret a partner’s behavior before and after they ask their partner directly for an explanation. They think that whatever their partners say is inadequate.

What I mean is that the hole we are trying to fill is bottomless, so long as we keep looking for something outside of ourselves to fill it. If you work on yourself, you may find better success with your anxious-avoidant relationship partner.