Aaron Jarrels is a licensed therapist and founder of Break the Loop.
Break the Loop is a relationship education framework that helps couples identify and interrupt recurring conflict patterns that keep them having versions of the same fight.
Last reviewed: September 1, 2026
You can have the same argument as your partner and walk away with completely different experiences of what just happened.
You think you explained yourself clearly. They think you never listened.
You remember trying to solve the problem. They remember feeling dismissed.
You leave thinking, Nothing I say gets through to them. They leave thinking almost exactly the same thing about you.
That can make a recurring argument especially confusing. If both people feel misunderstood, who actually failed to understand whom?
Sometimes that question keeps couples stuck.
A more useful question is:
When did trying to be understood become part of the Loop?
Why feeling misunderstood in an argument can become part of the Loop
The Break the Loop framework describes recurring conflict as:
Launch → Overload → Old Story → Protection Move
The Loop is the sequence underneath the argument.
The issue still matters. You may genuinely disagree about money, parenting, chores, trust, sex, time, family, or something else important.
But as tension rises, each person can start reacting not only to the issue, but also to what the interaction seems to mean.
A comment lands. Capacity narrows. A familiar meaning appears. Then you do something to protect yourself, regain control, seek connection, avoid pain, or preserve dignity.
Your response affects your partner. Their response affects you.
Soon, both people may be trying harder to be understood while becoming less able to understand each other.
The same moment can become two different experiences
Imagine Jordan says to Taylor:
“You said you’d take care of that yesterday.”
Jordan may be trying to address a straightforward problem.
Taylor may hear something larger:
You think I’m irresponsible.
That meaning can quickly connect to an Old Story:
Nothing I do is ever good enough for you.
Taylor explains and defends.
Jordan experiences the defense as avoidance:
I can’t bring up a problem without you turning it around.
Jordan becomes more insistent.
Taylor experiences that intensity as more criticism.
Now both people are thinking some version of the same thing:
Why won’t you hear what I’m saying?
The original issue has not disappeared. But another conflict has formed around it:
Who is listening?
Who is being fair?
And, who actually understands whom?
That second conflict can keep the Loop going long after the original point has been lost.
Trying harder to explain can make things worse
When you feel misunderstood, explaining more makes sense.
You add context.
Clarify what you meant.
Correct the detail they got wrong.
Repeat the important part.
Give another example.
Say it more firmly.
Sometimes that works.
But when Overload is already high, your partner may not experience the extra explanation as clarification.
They may hear pressure, defensiveness, criticism, or an attempt to prove them wrong.
Their reaction then makes you feel even more misunderstood.
So you explain again.
They protect again.
You respond to their protection.
They respond to yours.
The effort to clear up the misunderstanding becomes part of the pattern maintaining it.
This is also one reason small arguments can turn into much bigger fights. The conversation stops being only about the original issue and starts accumulating reactions to reactions.
Once Overload rises, understanding gets harder
Understanding another person takes capacity.
You have to be able to stay curious, tolerate disagreement, consider context, and hold more than one perspective at a time.
Those things become harder when the conversation speeds up and Overload increases.
An explanation can sound like an excuse.
A question can sound like criticism.
A request for space can feel like rejection.
Silence can look like indifference.
A clarification can sound like an argument.
That does not mean your reaction is meaningless or that your concern is wrong.
It means the first interpretation that appears may not be the whole picture.
Old Stories make the present feel familiar
An Old Story is a familiar meaning or prediction that shows up inside the Loop.
It might sound like:
I don’t matter to you.
You don’t respect me.
You never take me seriously.
I can’t count on you.
Nothing I do is enough.
Once that meaning is active, your partner’s next move can start looking like confirmation.
If you expect not to be taken seriously, an interruption may seem to prove it.
If you expect criticism, a question may sound like another attack.
Or, if you expect rejection, a request to pause may feel like evidence that your partner does not care.
The concern underneath the Old Story may be real.
But inside a Loop, a familiar interpretation can become so convincing that you stop checking whether it is the only explanation for what is happening now.
Protection Moves can confirm each person’s fear
Once you feel criticized, dismissed, cornered, disconnected, or unimportant, you usually do something.
You may explain more, argue harder, interrupt, correct details, go quiet, withdraw, demand an answer, leave the conversation, or try to shut it down.
These are Protection Moves: what you do next to manage what the interaction has come to feel like.
Their function does not erase their impact.
Taylor may withdraw because the conversation feels overwhelming.
Jordan experiences the withdrawal as proof that Taylor does not care.
Jordan pushes harder because the issue feels unresolved.
Taylor experiences that pressure as proof that Jordan does not respect their limits.
One person’s Protection Move becomes the other person’s next Launch.
Now both people have more evidence for the story they were already telling themselves.
“You don’t understand me” can become a new Launch
This is one of the most useful moments to notice.
Eventually, the argument may stop being primarily about what started it.
Now the conversation sounds like this:
“You’re not listening.”
“I am listening. You’re not listening to me.”
“You keep twisting what I’m saying.”
“No, you keep telling me what I mean.”
“I’ve already explained this.”
“And you still haven’t heard me.”
The experience of being misunderstood has become its own Launch.
The couple is no longer only arguing about the issue.
They are arguing about the argument.
Both people can feel misunderstood without being equally responsible
Seeing this as a Loop does not mean both partners behaved the same way.
It does not mean both caused equal harm.
It does not mean every interpretation is equally accurate.
And it does not mean the original issue should be ignored.
The issue and the Loop can both matter.
The value of identifying the Loop is that it gives you another question besides:
How do I finally make my partner understand me?
Try asking:
What happens next when I start feeling misunderstood?
That question does not excuse your partner’s behavior.
It helps you see the part of the sequence where you may have more choice.
Map the moment you stopped feeling understood
Think about one recurring argument.
Find the moment when you began feeling that your partner was no longer hearing you.
Then map your Loop from that point forward.
Launch
What did your partner actually say or do?
Start with the observable moment before deciding what it meant.
Overload
What changed in you?
Did you become more urgent?
More defensive?
Less curious?
More focused on proving your point?
Did you want to escape?
Old Story
What meaning showed up?
Maybe:
They don’t care what I think.
They’ve already decided I’m wrong.
My perspective never matters.
If I stop explaining, they’ll never understand.
Protection Move
What did you do next?
Did you repeat yourself?
Interrupt?
Raise your voice?
Correct them?
Withdraw?
Give up?
Demand acknowledgment?
Then ask:
What might my Protection Move have become for my partner?
That is often where the Loop becomes easier to see.
Catch the moment before you explain one more time
You do not have to solve the whole disagreement in the middle of the Loop.
The immediate goal is smaller:
Stop doing the next automatic thing.
The current Break the Loop interrupt sequence is:
NAME IT → SLOW IT → CHECK IT → CHOOSE IT
Name It
Recognize the familiar sequence.
You might notice:
I’m starting to feel misunderstood, and I know what I usually do next.
You do not need to analyze the whole interaction in real time.
You only need enough recognition to orient yourself.
Slow It
Ask whether you still have the capacity for the conversation you are trying to have.
Sometimes slowing down is more useful than making the same point again with more force.
If a pause is needed, it should communicate a wish to continue, a need for space, and an intention to return.
Check It
Ask what you are assuming.
Am I assuming disagreement means they did not understand me?
Am I assuming their explanation means they are dismissing me?
Or, Am I treating my first interpretation as the only possible one?
Checking the Old Story does not mean deciding your concern is wrong.
It means adding information from the present before acting on the assumption.
Choose It
Ask:
What do I want to do next?
You may choose to ask a question instead of giving another explanation.
You might reflect what you heard before clarifying your own point.
Or you may decide the conversation needs to pause until both of you have more capacity.
The goal is one deliberate response instead of the automatic Protection Move.
Change the goal from being understood to making understanding possible
When you feel misunderstood, the goal of the conversation can quietly become:
I need you to understand me before I can stop.
That goal is understandable.
It can also keep both people trapped.
A more useful goal inside the Loop is:
I want to make understanding more possible.
That can change the next move.
Instead of:
“You still don’t get what I’m saying.”
You might say:
“I think I’m working so hard to get my point across that I’m not taking in what you’re saying anymore.”
Or:
“I want you to understand my side, but I don’t think either of us is hearing much right now. Can we slow this down?”
Neither response means giving up your position.
You are changing the process that is making understanding harder.
Understanding and agreement are not the same thing
Couples can also get stuck when understanding becomes confused with agreement.
Your partner can understand why something hurt you without agreeing with every conclusion you reached.
You can understand why your partner reacted strongly without deciding that their behavior was okay.
Two people can have different interpretations and still become more accurate about what happened for each of them.
That becomes easier when the Loop is not organizing the conversation.
The goal is to catch the misunderstanding earlier
If you repeatedly leave arguments wondering how two people could have such different versions of the same conversation, one possibility is that the interaction moved into a familiar sequence before either of you realized it.
Then feeling misunderstood became fuel for what happened next.
You explained harder.
They protected.
Their Protection Move became your next Launch.
Your response became theirs.
The issue still matters.
Your perspective still matters.
So does the impact of your partner’s behavior.
But when you notice the shift from I don’t think they understand me to I need to make them understand me right now, you may have found an important place to interrupt the Loop.
You do not have to solve the whole argument there.
You only need to catch the sequence early enough to do one thing differently.